Grief is lonely, no matter how wonderful your support system is. You can surround yourself with people and still be lonely because you are so intensely aware of who was supposed to be with you. In stillbirth and miscarriage there is a special loneliness because your heart, womb, and arms feel so empty. The pain is isolating because how can you make people understand that you are mourning not only your child, but the lifetime of love and memories you were supposed to have? I hope sharing our loss helps someone feel a little less lonely, or maybe helps those around them understand what they are going through.
Our blog is not only for people who have experienced loss. If you have a loved one who lost a baby, or simply want a more intimate understanding of loss, we want to provide that education to people. Instead of navigating a world where we feel “other than”, I hope we can live in a world that includes and understands us.
Helping His Big Sister Navigate Grief and Loss
When we lost Calvin, the grief was hard on Charleigh. Her doctors warned us that her symptoms would likely be exacerbated and its all to be expected. What we didn’t expect was to lose the independent kid we had before. As much as we had our own naivety ripped away, its worse to have it taken at such a young age. Death to a child should be explained away by old age and sickness. No child should have to face the reality that death can come at any point by a freak accident. Wanting answers is something that is expected from adults grieving, but for some reason I wasn’t prepared for a child to want them just as bad. With both the miscarriage and losing Calvin, she wanted exact explanations and details about what caused them to go to Heaven. Her little mind was trying so hard to make sense of it all.
Hello and Goodbye: Calvin’s Birth Story
After the decision to deliver Calvin as a VBAC, we needed to start up labor. That night they started with a foley bulb induction and were managing the pain with shots. The bruises were so big you could see them through my mesh hospital underwear. We kept looking for small things like this to giggle at. We wanted his birth to be a celebration and to allow our last moments with him to have some joy. My parents went home to be with Charleigh and keep her calm through the night. Sleep didn’t come easily for me as my contractions were getting stronger and closer together. Jack however, was so emotionally exhausted, he snored heavily at the end of my bed. I may or may not have thrown something at him. In his defense, I think we were both numb and still in disbelief.