Hello and Goodbye: Calvin’s Birth Story
After the decision to deliver Calvin as a VBAC, we needed to start up labor. That night they started with a foley bulb induction and were managing the pain with shots. The bruises were so big you could see them through my mesh hospital underwear. We kept looking for small things like this to giggle at. We wanted his birth to be a celebration and to allow our last moments with him to have some joy. My parents went home to be with Charleigh and keep her calm through the night. Sleep didn’t come easily for me as my contractions were getting stronger and closer together. Jack however, was so emotionally exhausted, he snored heavily at the end of my bed. I may or may not have thrown something at him. In his defense, I think we were both numb and still in disbelief.
My parents, Calvin’s grandparents, holding him and kissing his head.
The next morning, they removed the Foley bulb, and I was dilated to about five centimeters. They gave me a small dose of Pitocin to help the contractions become more regulated and called the anesthesiologist to start my epidural. As the epidural was going in, I felt a movement, almost like a drop. I had grown so accustomed to the stillness that I yelled out. I cried and said I felt something. I don’t know if I was holding out some strange hope or if I was just confused. It was likely him dropping into place or more of my waters breaking. It wasn’t long until I told the nurse I had a burning feeling. They moved me in different angles to help the epidural spread because they thought maybe he was pressing on a nerve. It was the only time I broke down and wasn’t sure if I could do it. My nurse looked me in the eyes and told me I can do it and I AM going to do it. She checked me to be safe and surprisingly I was already at seven centimeters. Jack quick called my parents to let them know to come.
The question we were battling with was what was best for Charleigh. I remember after my miscarriage she would talk about being sad she never saw them or never held them. She felt an unease about never saying goodbye. Despite being six years old, she has an old soul. When I talked to my nurse and grief counselor, they assured me it sounded like seeing Calvin would bring her closure. Either way we decided, I was terrified of the emotional damage it could cause. She either regrets never having met him and can’t conceptualize what happened, or she gets to hold him and lives with seeing him that way. The decision was ultimately made when my parents broke the news to her, and she asked if she could say goodnight to him.
My parents arrived on the unit and my amazing nurses snuck my dad in for the birth. I think we all needed each other. My sister-in-law Mandy, our friend Karen, and my grandmother kept Charleigh entertained across the street so that she could come in right after he was born. They warned us that his looks would change over time, so it was best for her to come sooner rather than later. With my support system in place and my epidural doing its job, I was finally able to get some rest before the most difficult part began. They checked me again and I was officially ten centimeters. They explained to me the process of laboring down. It allowed my body to naturally push him further down without exhausting me. Finally, when I felt pressure and the urge to push, we got ready. They kept warning everyone that it takes first time laborers on average an hour and a half. My husband jokes that I pushed like I was on a strict schedule. Only a half hour of pushing and he was out at four p.m. on the dot. I didn’t realize until I saw pictures, but everyone had hands on me. My mom prayed between each contraction.
I held Calvin on my chest for a long time, soaking in his snuggles and inspecting every detail of him.
My midwife was able to see a band wrapped around his umbilical cord. She took the placenta out of the bin and showed us exactly where she could see his blood supply had been cut off. She explained it was likely an amniotic band, which is when the inside of the amniotic sac shreds and fibers float around. Usually, it wraps around fingers or limbs causing amputation, but in rare circumstances it can wrap around a cord. This was later confirmed by the pathology report.
They laid his still warm body on my chest, and I was mesmerized by every feature of him. His dark curly hair, his nose that was exactly like Char and I’s, his long fingers and toes, the random black body hairs, his tiny ears, and pink lips. I couldn’t stop touching him and looking at him. In my heart was an emotion so unique to stillbirth. Holding my perfect son, my heart was full. It’s difficult to understand how my heart could feel so complete and as if it was broken into a million pieces. They cleaned him up and helped make keepsakes for us. He weighed seven pounds fourteen ounces and was twenty inches long. They made perfect little molds of his feet and took his footprints before wrapping him in his blanket. We decided not to dress him because his poor skin had started peeling and we didn’t want to risk damaging his perfect body any further. They put a new hospital gown on me and cleared off any blood from view. Just as the photographer from Now I Lay Me arrived, so did Charleigh. The grief counselor gave her a pep talk that Calvin would look like he was sleeping.
I held Calvin in my arms while Charleigh slowly walked over to me. She climbed up next to me and smiled at her baby brother’s face. She read Goodnight, Moon with only small bits of help. I couldn’t believe how big she seemed in that moment. She carefully held him on her lap and gave him kisses before they put him back in the bassinet for pictures. As my parents took turns holding him, Charleigh curled up against me. She asked me questions about how he died and why he had to go to Heaven. She showed such strength and understanding but slowly I watched as being there grew harder on her. I told my parents she needed to go home, and she wrapped her arms around me. She wanted me to leave and come home with her. Her heart didn’t understand why I had to stay in the hospital. After lots of promises that I would be home tomorrow, she told me about her bunny bracelet that kept making her feel better. She got up to leave and turned back, handing me the bracelet. She said she wanted it to make me feel better now. After she walked out, the photographer told me watching Charleigh do that showed the type of mom I was. Maybe that’s why she ended up sending us seventy pictures. Seventy pictures that I hold so close to my heart. I couldn’t be more thankful to have family photos that include both Charleigh and Calvin.
Calvin’s features had changed because he passed away, but underneath the dark lips and pale skin, I could see all his beautiful features. He looked so much like his big sister.
The photographer finished up, leaving Jack and I alone in a suddenly eerily quiet room. We held each other and our son processing everything. We simply soaked in all the time we could, knowing too well it was coming to an end. A nurse thankfully convinced us to move rooms to a room down the hall. She wheeled me down while Jack wheeled Calvin in his bassinet. When our nurse left to grab our stuff, Jack turned to me with tears in his eyes and confessed it was time to say goodbye. In truth, we watched Calvin deteriorate in front of us. We watched as his body turned cold, his skin turned blue, his lips turned dark red, and his head started to change shape. I knew deep down I couldn’t watch him fade any further, but I was so angry that I was only allowed five hours. Five hours to hold and soak in our son. Five hours between seeing his face for the first time and saying goodbye. I am thankful Jack was strong enough to make the decision because I don’ know if I could have ever done it.
The nurse wheeled him away as we watched him for the final time. The rest of the time in the hospital is a blur of tears. We tried eating when we could, but we were becoming stir crazy. We couldn’t turn on the television or open our phones without being hit by babies or pregnancy. When you’re pregnant, it surrounds your life. You have all the apps and Facebook groups, you start following other pregnant mommas on social media, and all your ads are suddenly targeted towards it. No one prepares you for having to delete all of it. Due to being anemic and the blood loss from labor, I ended up needing a blood transfusion. Our amazing nurse from delivery was back and I absolutely love her. I will cherish all my nurses forever. She only needed to stay with us for fifteen minutes while the transfusion ran but stayed for close to an hour. She told me about her boys she lost and how while she took care of Calvin, she heard her boys tell him “That’s our mommy taking care of you.” We talked about life and the future as well as our girls, we even talked about our similar pasts. We talked about how amazing Heaven is and what fun our boys are having. I owe my outlook on living my life for Calvin to what we talked about. Every single practitioner from my OB practice checked on me while I was in the hospital. If there is one thing that I am most thankful for, its that while Calvin’s birth story is a story of heartache, it is also a story of how we celebrated him and how we were surrounded by love. Our phones were constantly buzzing with our loved ones reaching out to us. I know we’ve been covered in prayers since day one.