I always say it’s important to have a sense of humor, even in the darkest times. Honestly, I can laugh about most of these now but in the moment there are phrases that a lot of loss parents find hurtful. Reading them now, most of these may seem obvious to avoid but in the moment you would be surprised what might come out of your mouth. When we know someone is in pain, we feel the urge to fill the silence with something, anything. We can’t fix it so we grasp at straws to help them find solace.

Anything That Starts with “At Least”

“At least you’re young” “At least you know you can get pregnant” “At least it was early in the pregnancy” “At least you didn’t have to see them die” “At least they weren’t older” “At least” statements are the biggest ones to avoid. I understand when faced with a horrific tragedy, people want to find a bright side. “This is horrible but at least it’s not worse!” This line of reasoning may make you feel better about what we’re going through but it’s not helpful to us. It minimizes the loss we’re going through and fails to acknowledge the fact that THIS is a horrific tragedy in and of itself. It’s not about some contest of who has it worst and being thankful we’re not the winner. We are in pain. We are grieving. Try instead to acknowledge the person’s feelings and allow them to feel everything they need to in order to process what’s happening.

Religious Statements

“It’s all God’s plan.” “God needed them more.” “God needed another angel.” “God has bigger plans for them.” “It will happen in God’s time.” “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” These statements are popular but wrong. They became popular because people love to feel like there is a rhyme or reason to tragedy. It’s easier to keep faith in God when you can wrap a bow around tragedy and explain it away but these statements are not backed by scripture. God’s plan was never for us to suffer (more on this can be found in the link below). Human beings don’t become angels when they die. It’s okay to not have the answers and leave the religious counseling to the people who do. Statements like these can cause more harm that good, especially if the person isn’t religious themselves. Avoiding religious statements or simply saying “I’m praying for you” are the best alternatives unless the person decides to seek religious counseling. Then, its best to supply them with the appropriate resources.

“I Can’t Imagine”

Yes, you can imagine. You just don’t want to because it hurts too much. This phrase is more to protect yourself and distance yourself from the pain we’re experiencing. It’s a natural defense because your brain is trying to protect you. That’s okay. We’re not asking you to imagine. We wouldn’t with this hurt on our worst enemy. A more appropriate thing to say is “When I try to imagine what you’re going through, my heart breaks. I’m here for you.”

Anything Relating to Replacing the Baby They Lost

“You can try again.” “You’ll Have Another Baby.” We lost our baby. Our child died. If we decide to have more children, we aren’t trying again. This isn’t a level in a video game where we can start over and replace the save file. Our babies aren’t replaceable anymore than your children are. Having another child won’t eradicate our grief or make everything magically better. Our baby is still dead and we will always grieve them, and nothing can change that. Having another child is a sensitive subject that should only be approached by a trusted individual when the person is ready.

Trying to Relate with Something Very Much Not the Same

“I remember when my dog died.” “We ALMOST lost our baby too.” Most comparisons are going to offensive unless you’ve lost a baby yourself. Even then, each situation is unique and people can have wildly different experiences. We can find solace with other grieving parents, but no one will understand exactly what we’re going through. I heard a wonderful phrase from a fellow loss parent. Someone said to them “I know A pain, but I don’t know YOUR pain.” This is great when you’re trying to relate to the experience on an emotional level and provide a sense of commonality.

Anything Relating to Destiny or Justifying What Happened

“It wasn’t meant to be.” “It’ll happen when you’re ready.” “It happens more often than you think.” “Maybe it happened because…” Baby loss can’t be explained. That’s the simple truth. It happened and there’s no reason for it to have happened. Even if a reason could be found, it won’t help. Our baby will still be dead and placing the blame on something won’t help. They already are likely blaming themselves or questioning what they could have done differently. Telling us how common it is won’t help in the moment, but it may be helpful when they’re ready to find a sense of community. Supplying them with resources like these to use when they want is the most appropriate response if you want to help.

They’re in a Better Place

What’s so wrong with them being here? They’d be in a loving home snuggled up with mommy where they belong! You can’t tell a parent that the best place for their child isn’t with them.

Putting Us on a Pedestal

“I don’t know how you do it.” “You’re so strong.” “I could never.” We didn’t choose this. We don’t want to be strong. We want to fall apart and sometimes even wish we could join our baby, but we don’t have a choice in the matter. The world continues to spin and life keeps moving forward whether or not we wish it could stop. Strength isn’t something you choose, it’s forced on you. We’re not heroes, we’re just trying to survive. We have to make a conscious effort to live our lives and keep moving forward. There is no alternative, especially if we have loved ones and living children depending on us.

I Don’t’ Know What to Say/I Don’t Know How to Talk to You

This one doesn’t bother everyone, but I feel like there’s a better way to put it. We know it’s difficult to talk to us. People become lost for words because what can you say? Nothing is going to take the pain away. Nothing is going to make this better. When you’re going through loss, especially a more rare form of loss, you feel like an outsider, as if you’re in a world not made for you. You’re now set apart from everyone around you. It’s isolating and can be difficult to navigate personal relationships after. Being reminded that no one knows how to interact you with you further solidifies how divergent your life has become. Try instead, “Nothing I say can make this easier for you, so instead I’m here to listen.”

It can feel overwhelming trying to support someone through baby loss. It may feel like there’s a lot of wrong things you could do or say. If you want additional information on supporting a loved one through loss, you can access that below.