Let Them Know You Care

Sending a card or a text message can be a great way to let someone know you care without expecting a reply. I read every card and text message that came in. It showed me how many people were there for me, I just lacked the mental energy to reply to anyone in the moment.

Offer to Help Where Appropriate

This one is completely dependent on your relationship with the person. There are so many decisions and so many things that have to happen after a loss. We were taken right from the appointment that we were told there was no heartbeat, up to Labor and Delivery to be induced. We didn’t have a to go bag or anything we wanted to be able to do with him. The hospital did a great job of supplying us with necessities as well little remembrance items to capture for him. My parents had to run home and get his special blanket as well as some outfits. Ultimately, when you leave the hospital with nothing but a small box of things to remember your baby by, its never enough. It may be kind to offer to pick up items like a hand print and foot print kit, or molds to drop off at the hospital. These can also be done by the funeral director.

I never expected to make end of life arrangements for someone, let alone my child, at 27 years old. I did not know any funeral homes and had no idea what to expect. Having help making those phone calls was extremely beneficial to me. I also wish someone could have warned me about what the funeral director needed before I met with him. He needed the names and relationships of everyone to include in the obituary, what we wanted to say about Calvin in the obituary, if we wanted memorial cards and what to write on them, we had to pick an urn and decide if we wanted memorial jewelry. I had none of that prepared!

Another big decision and task is taking care of the baby’s belongings. This will be entirely dependent on the person, so please ask before stepping in! I personally made little trips to soak in my last moments with everything I associated with him. His swing and bouncer seat, his books and teethers, all his things perfectly set up for the past month waiting for him. When I was ready for his things to be packed up, I couldn’t do it myself. Others may want to, but I couldn’t. My mom and her two close friends went and packed them away.

Dropping Off Care Packages

Care packages can be made up of any number of things. Flowers, postpartum and self care items, snacks, and meal delivery services are great options. Flowers always brought some sunshine to our home, and it can be difficult to take care of yourself in the midst of grief. Frozen meals are great, but it can be difficult if the person is a picky eater or has dietary restrictions. Storage can also become a problem, so if you are not aware of the person’s individual needs there are lots of gift cards available for meal delivery. Meals were a huge help to us because food was the last thing on my mind, but I needed to force myself to eat to help my body heal. If you opt for self care items, remember baths are usually off limits due to risk of infection. So avoid things like bath bombs and bath salts

Help With Living Children

If the person has living children, any help is great. Small toys and activities can help brighten a child’s day and keep them busy enough for parents to have a moment to themselves. If you are close with the person, offering to take the child out is wonderful. Even if its just for a happy meal, it can help the child feel loved during a very difficult time in their lives. Children are often more aware than we give them credit for. Not only did they lose a sibling, but they are watching their parents grieve as well.

Remembrance Items

We received so many thoughtful items in remembrance of our son. Among those items we were given: wind chimes, forget me not seeds, an engraved cross, bracelets, and a necklace in the shape of his heartbeat. Gifts like this are not only kind at the time of loss, but also important dates. First missed holidays, month anniversaries, mother and father’s day, and the baby’s birthday are great times to acknowledge their baby.

Listen

There is nothing wrong with simply listening. There are no magic words that will make a difference, so don’t feel the need to fill the silence or say anything other than you care. Words like “I don’t know what to say” can be isolating. We already know people may feel awkward, we don’t need reminded you are not sure how to talk to us anymore. We know we are suddenly on a very different journey than those around us.

Don’t feel the need to tell us we are strong, or try to tell us our baby is in Heaven. We want permission to be weak and it doesn’t matter where our baby is because they’re not with us. Instead, simply listen. We may want to gush about how beautiful our baby was or how labor went without it being a sad conversation. I love to brag about the full head of dark hair Calvin had or how great a birth we experienced. Other times we just want to vent about the injustice or say we miss our baby. It’s okay to sit silently and let us get whatever we need out. What means the most is you being there.

Say Their Name

Bring up our baby! We love to talk about our children, just like any parent. However, we are forced to navigate the social norms of bringing up our child who passed away. We want to talk but we also don’t want to kill a conversation and sit awkwardly because no one knows how to respond. You bringing up our baby frees us up to talk about them without fear. If you want to see pictures, please ask! Anyone who has grieved before knows it can feel like the rest of the world is moving on while you’re stuck in your pain. Small moments of letting us know you’re thinking about our baby too can help our world feel a little less lonely.

Supply Them With Resources

There are amazing resources out there for parents who are experiencing loss, I have tried to include some on the resources page. They may not want to access these resources right away, but its good for them to know they’re not alone and there is help available when they are ready. Please feel free to send them to our website or contact us.

You were born silent. Perfect and beautiful. Still loved. Still missed. Still remembered. Everyday. Stillborn. Still born.
Time passes but not one day goes by that you are not here in my heart. The day you died was not just a date on a calendar, it was the day when my very existence changed forever.
— Lorrie Kitchen