Leaps of Faith - Pregnancy After Loss
The first trimester for most people is a time of waiting on bated breath for that “safe zone.” One in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage and nothing can lessen those odds. Even with no prior losses, perfect health, and no genetic predispositions, you are still waiting for the moment your “statistic” is over with. The anxiety is to be expected for anyone but is suddenly a very scary and plausible reality when you’ve experienced loss before. It is even worse when you understand there is never truly a “safe zone.” Bringing your baby home is suddenly not guaranteed.
I am standing in the kitchen, smiling while holding my belly. I am in my second trimester, pregnant with our rainbow baby, Nolan.
The second trimester was easier for me, I think because it was easy to fall into a state of dissociation. I couldn’t feel movement yet so I didn’t have the stress of kick counts, appointments were still 4 weeks apart so I only had to face the impending doom feeling once a month, and I hadn’t yet had to start preparing for the possibility of finally bringing a baby home. I could continue my day to day as a Schrodinger theory. My baby was both dead and alive until the next appointment determined the truth. As morbid as it sounds, it was easy to stay suspended in disbelief that I was truly going to have a baby. I knew I was pregnant, I talked about it excitedly, but it was hard to truly bond with our new little boy growing inside me. If someone made a comment like “I can’t believe you’ll have a baby in a few months!”, on the outside I replied with a smile but mentally I was saying “hopefully” or “we’ll see!”
Third trimester came and I was grossly underprepared for the mix of emotions. I wanted to feel connected so badly. We found out the sex as early as we could and picked out a name early on, but my brain kept wanting to protect me from getting hurt again. When you’ve experienced enough pain and heartache, it can start to become your expected default. I was still struggling with how to separate my pregnancies and accept that this could be a different outcome. I was at a loss on how to stop dissociating and truly connect to the child living inside me. I read articles and read books, and even found a great pregnancy app for those that suffered loss. It all seemed to come back to the idea of “Leaps of Faith.” It’s obvious that Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) moms are not going to be the first to have their nursery decorated, or have an entire wardrobe bought the moment they know the gender. We are too cautious, you may even call us pessimistic but we feel we are just a realist. We understand the reality more than most. I spent the end of my third trimester slowly making my leaps of faith. Even if I couldn’t fully make myself believe we were bringing home a baby, I could start taking actions to show the universe this pregnancy would be different.
A sonogram of our rainbow baby.
I slowly started to buy a few outfits, a stuffed animal here or there, maybe a blanket or two. Then I bought diapers and wipes, the things that couldn’t be put away for “next time.” I knew we’d be sharing a room so I slowly picked out decorations, then after a couple weeks of them sitting in my Amazon cart, I clicked purchase. Then, after a few more weeks, I invited my best friend over to help decorate. We took the giant leap of going and getting Calvin’s things out of storage. That was the leap of faith that was the scariest. It was truly an act of facing what could happen and refusing to live like it would happen again. Clothes were washed and folded and I packed a hospital bag for delivery. Packing Jack and I’s things was the easy part of the hospital bag. Packing baby items was an entirely different journey. It was hard not to pack the sentimental things we would want for him “just in case” and instead pack the normal items needed to bring a baby home.
If you are a PAL mom, take your time. Try not to compare your pregnancy journey to someone who hasn’t experienced loss. The truth of the matter is we will forever experience pregnancy in a different way and that is okay. You can acknowledge and celebrate your new pregnancy in the timeline you are comfortable with. Words of affirmation helped me greatly as if I was speaking a different outcome into existence. Obviously we know that is logically impossible, but it helped change my mindset in the moment. My mindset was the most important thing to take care of. It can be way to easy to slip into feelings of doubt and fear. Do things on your own timeline but make those leaps of faith. This is a different pregnancy and a different outcome.