I know your world is spinning. I don’t know your circumstances, how far along you are, or how you found out but I know your heart is broken. Here is my experience with miscarriage and what I would have wanted to be told.

Options

You likely found out you were miscarrying due to bleeding or not finding a heartbeat. I found out when they couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler and sent me for an ultrasound. I was given a few options. You can wait for your body to realize what is happening and miscarry naturally, you can take medication to help the process along, or you can undergo surgery such as a dilation and curettage or dilation and evacuation. Your options will vary based on your practitioner and your medical history. I decided on the dilation and evacuation. I was twelve weeks along, but my babies measured only 9 weeks, which is considered a “missed miscarriage.” My babies had passed away but my body didn’t recognize it. Considering how far along I was, that it was twins, and that my body wasn’t recognizing the miscarriage. I felt it was the safest option. If you decide to let your body miscarry on its own, you have to watch for signs of residual tissue or “retained products of conception.” Signs would include things like heavy bleeding, fever, and extreme pain. If there is retained tissue, you will need medical treatment.

Recovery

Recovery is mostly what you would expect. There will be bad cramping and bleeding. I recommend having large pads on hand as well as pain reliever and heating pads. Having a heating pad on my abdomen was the only way I was able to rest. I needed soup and popsicles because my throat was very sore for a few days from the breathing tube. It was a couple days between when I found out the babies had passed and when I was able to have surgery. In those days I couldn’t sleep. My anxiety was so bad that I came to on the way from the OR to the recovery room. I’m assuming that wasn’t common by the look of shock on their faces. You have to be honest about any struggles you’re facing so you can get the help you need. Listen to your doctor about what to expect in terms of bleeding, and management.

Emotions

Whatever you are feeling or not feeling is valid. I cried when I found out but then I went through the day in a state of shock. I went to the store and got my hair done. I didn’t tell my daughter and wanted to keep it quiet except for a close circle. I was suspended in a state of disbelief, especially because they had been gone for three weeks and I was clueless to it. I refused to believe it until I received a phone call explaining the extensive defects and talked with my doctor about why miscarriages happen. He reassured me over and over again that my body did everything right. As the numbness faded away, despair settled in. Even with the reassurances, I felt guilty. I had already felt betrayed by my body with infertility, and now it was just another failure. I felt like a walking coffin knowing they were gone. Yet, I couldn’t cry unless no one was around. Some cry a lot, and some don’t cry at all. Whatever you are feeling is right for you and justifiable.

Honoring Your Miscarriage

I remember feeling like my miscarriage impacted me greatly but there was no evidence those babies existed. However small they were and however short I had with them; they were still mine. I struggled to cut off my hospital bracelet because it felt like my last proof what was happening was real. To replace thehospital bracelet I got a small silver bracelet with an inscription on the inside saying “God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart.” I finally got a necklace with their birthstones I could wear when I wanted to feel close to them. I also got a statue with twin babies in angel wings to serve as their placeholder. With a miscarriage there is no urn, no headstone to say they lived and died. Not everyone will feel this need and its okay if you don’t, but it’s okay if you do. Everyone will find their own way to honor their experience whether physically or in their heart.

Should You Announce

Announcing you’ve had a miscarriage is a personal decision. I don’t know what I would have chosen if I hadn’t already announced my pregnancy on social media. I can see where someone would prefer to process on their own and grieve in private. When you invite the world in, you invite in everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. You subject yourself to comments both good and bad. I will say I don’t regret the fact that I had to announce our miscarriage. It opened a huge thread of women sharing their experience. Friends and family who I had no clue experience pregnancy loss started commenting. I went from feeling lost to feeling like I was a part of this incredibly strong group of women. The statistic of one in four women losing a pregnancy sounds like a huge number, but you don’t fully grasp how common it is until people come forward.