Be Prepared for Questions

When adults grieve we naturally have questions. We seek answers as a way to bring us peace. We want to know how and why. As adults, we have the ability to seek out those answers. We can run tests, talk to professionals, and process them mentally. It’s surprising to know that children often have the same questions but their only avenue of getting answers is through their parents. With both my miscarriage and my stillbirth she wanted to how they died. She wanted in detail explanations of what went wrong and if there was a way to stop it. She even wanted to know what was happening to them after they were born. With miscarriage this was more difficult to answer, I simply said the hospital was taking care of their bodies and they were studying them to learn more about why they died. This was true, they were sending tissue samples for genetic testing. What’s harder is my child was asking me questions I didn’t have the answer to. She was asking me why God let these bad things happen and wanted to know why it happened to our family. Everything you wonder as an adult can go through your child’s head as well. Try to have answers ready that you’re comfortable with.

They May Talk About It Often and Casually

In the beginning, I was shocked by how easily she would bring up her siblings that passed. It was always jarring how flippantly she would mention what happened. It doesn’t mean your child is heartless or sociopathic, even if it can feel that way. It’s actually a good sign that your child is processing what happened and is comfortable talking to you about it. We always made it a priority that our lost babies were a safe topic to discuss. They were still a part of the family and she could ask whatever questions she needed to or come to us with her feelings. I honestly felt the most sorry when she brought it up, not for myself, but for the unsuspecting adult that walked into. It’s pretty common practice to ask a child if they have any brothers or sister. No one expects for a kid to reply “I have brothers but they were sick in Mommy’s belly and died.” It gets easier over time and even becomes nice how openly and comfortably you can talk about your pregnancies.

Previous Anxieties May be Enhanced

My daughter already had difficulties with anxiety and emotional regulation. Previous symptoms returned and were magnified as well as new symptoms. A lot of her behaviors came from separation anxiety and a need for control. She refused to be in a room by herself and would become very panicked if we tried to go even into the kitchen quickly. Nightmares returned which is rough because she has always been a very vivid dreamer. Strange things happened like she suddenly had to go to the bathroom constantly. She had herself convinced if she took even a sip of water she had to run and pee. Timers were a big help to work through a lot of these issues. We started small, she had to let us leave for one minute and then we would come right in, then slowly building on the time. We did the same thing with making her wait to use the bathroom but we started with thirty minutes. She would be rewarded for her efforts and as her confidence grew we no longer needed prizes. She was so proud of herself and tackling these issues one at a time helped her gain independence in other areas of her life as well.

They Will Need One on One Attention

Kids are intelligent, far more intelligent that they’re given credit for. Even if you are managing your grief well and try to hide your emotions, they can sense how you’re feeling. The rock in their life is suddenly shaken and they can feel it. One on one attention can help build their sense of security and reassure their relationship with you. Child led play and active engagement are essential to help them emotionally and mentally.

Modeling Coping Behaviors

What was most difficult for me was being comforting modeling the coping behaviors I wanted her to develop. Naturally, I wanted to shield her from my sadness but how was she going to know how to handle her own sadness if she never witnessed mine? This does not mean I openly sobbed in front of her or sought emotional support from her. Instead, it meant being honest about my emotions. If it was an extra difficult day and I needed down time I would explain “I’m having a lot of big feelings today. I’m really missing your brothers. I’m okay and I’ll feel better soon but I need some time to recharge. I’m going to read my book because it calms my mind and helps me breath slower.”  I usually would hold my emotions in until I had privacy, but there were times she caught my crying quietly. It gave me opportunities to explain how natural crying is. It’s a necessary release and can help you feel better afterwards. Over time I became shocked by her emotional intelligence. She could pick up on moments I was sad even when I tried to hide it and would actively try to distract me.

They’ll Be Triggered Too

Sloths are a big thing that we relate to our stillborn son. It was the nursery theme, the theme for the baby shower, and we had bought him tons of sloth clothing and toys. After his death we gave him his sloth lovey to snuggle with and I keep it to cuddle when I think about him. Rightfully so, anything we spot a sloth out in the world it can be emotional. It’s a consistent reminder of him and took some time but now we view it as a happy reminder. I would often find our daughter staring off into space at the store. If I followed her gaze, sure enough, there would be a sloth toy hanging in an aisle. I have some of Calvin’s things out and she had asked for them to be somewhere she didn’t see them because it made her sad to look at. One morning before school, we had Disney’s Tots on the television to distract our baby. At the same time we all noticed they were saying “We have to find Calvin! He’s missing! We need to check up high!” It was very jarring to hear the name of our stillborn son on the TV, especially used the way it was. I quick spun around and saw our daughter sitting on the ground crying. Despite a new baby being born and over a year having passed, she was affected by his name just as much as we were.