It’s Okay to Have a Sense of Humor

            The days following Calvin’s birth were a blur of grief, tears, anger, and numbness. However, there is one day in particular that we look back on and laugh. Emotions were so high with different people reaching out who were not on social media. We were excitedly being asked if our baby had been born yet and forced to rip the band aid off over and over. That is one of the things no one warns you about. Even in the thick of our grief I started to feel guilty telling people what happened because you had to watch them process it. In the span of five seconds, you saw every negative emotion, especially horror, cross their face. Stillbirth is just so far out of the realm of possibility for most people. Plenty of people said dumb things, which is to be expected, but you could tell they meant well. One evening an acquaintance responded with a bunch of flippant nonsense including “Keep swingin’ away, man.” It was honestly so bad that you would have expected us to be furious or upset, but we ended up laughing hysterically. It was like the final crack in our psyche that broke us.

            The next day we had finally left the house. It was a big step for us considering we rarely left our room the first few days. We were staying with my parents, so we went home to do just a few things. I was slowly exposing myself to all our baby items set up. The bassinet in the bedroom, the swing in the basement, the ultrasound pictures on the fridge, the dresser full of clothes, and so much more. From there, we went to pick up my prescription at the pharmacy. Oh, bless this employee’s heart. Due to the medication I was picking up, she had to verify I wasn’t pregnant. Instead of just stating not to take it if I was, she flat out asked if I was pregnant with a concerned face. It was an honest question, especially because I’m sure my belly was still swollen and round from labor. She must have seen Jack and I take a sharp inhale and pause before answering no, and maybe it made her suspicious because she doubled down and asked, “Are you SURE you’re not pregnant?” I saw Jack tense up and prepare to snap so I quickly said “Yeah, I’m definitely sure.” We got back in the car, angry and just wanting to get back to the safety of my parent’s house. Just when we thought it was bad enough, a bird swooped down in front of our car, and we hit it. We sat in stunned silence until Jack said “Keep swingin’ away, bird.” I mean to tell you, we laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe. It sounds horrible! The past 24 hours were the epitome of kicking us while we were down, to the point of absurdity! Maybe it was exhaustion, trauma, or jadedness, but we had nothing left in us but to laugh.

            I could look back on that day and feel guilty, but I’m thankful for it. It was the turning point where it really set in stone how this was our new reality. We were living in a world where people got to continue their lives (or not in the bird’s case) while we had to force ourselves to fight forward. The only way we were going to survive it was by being a little jaded and finding ways to laugh together. It would be easy to give up and stay a zombie, I can even understand where some people might feel like they’re betraying their child by daring to be happy. I thought about if something ever happened to me, and I could never imagine my loved ones refusing to be happy again. It wouldn’t be honoring me for them to rob themselves of joy, it would break my heart. I thought about the unconditional love a baby has for its mother, as if their mom is their whole world, and the way a baby smiles when their mom smiles. I knew Calvin wanted me to be happy. I had this beautiful, perfect baby boy watching over me, and he wouldn’t want me to give up. I knew I needed to live the life he never got to live. I knew he would want me to be the best mommy possible for his big sister who was grieving and looking to me for guidance. It was a big reason why we got a puppy! That day proved we all needed to smile again. Just a few months later, I was proven right when we were surprised by Calvin sending us a little brother to bring even more joy to our lives. I won’t pretend that I’m a constant ray of sunshine, that has never been me, but one good thing about me is I’m stubborn. Through the daily hurt and grief, I stubbornly find ways to laugh. Even if it means the jokes are a little dark. And yes, I bought Jack a needlepoint of “Keep Swingin’ Away Man” for Christmas.