Feeling the Ugly Feelings
The announcement picture we made to celebrate our pregnancy with Calvin. He was supposed to be our rainbow after we miscarried twin boys the previous year. The onesie says “Made with lots of love and a little science.” because of our medicated IUI to conceive him.
Today I am giving myself a pity party. I am “embracing the suck” as Jack and I like to say. My chest aches, I am mad, I am jealous, and asking God “Why me?!” As someone who loves control this is not an easy task for me to embrace. Control brings me peace because so much of my life has felt out of my control. Between past trauma, having a medically complex child, custody battles, infertility, and my losses, so much of my life has needed to be given completely over to God. I, like so many others, use control wherever I can in order to feel a sense of balance in my life. This can come out in ways like controlling how we eat, becoming overprotective of others, exercise, hobbies, cleaning, and so many other ways. This can be a healthy coping mechanism and a very dangerous one. I can go to too much of an extreme trying to hold it together. If I’m not falling apart, then my world isn’t falling apart. Right? Logically I know this is completely wrong, but it doesn’t stop my mind from reacting that way. Falling apart is a conscious decision I make to build myself back up. Otherwise, it comes out in ways I don’t want it to like impatience, outbursts, chest pains, insomnia, and nightmares.
It’s easy to feel guilt over negative emotions. Grief is complex and it is hard to comprehend feeling good and feeling awful at the same time. I can be happy for someone else’s life, and I can be jealous that it’s not how my life went. I can still love God and look to Him for guidance while being incredibly angry at Him for not protecting my sons. It makes it more confusing when the logical side of you is screaming to feel the opposite. When we blame ourselves, hate our bodies, feel alone in the world, or feel pain over other people’s happy news, logically we know it’s not right but fighting against those feelings does not make them go away. Right now, I need to give myself permission to feel these ugly feelings because this is an ugly situation. I need to take time for myself, write how I’m feeling and break down. I need to do this even when I feel guilty doing so. I know full well for me to break down, others have to pick up my responsibilities. This is where a support system is so important and appreciated.
So, for today and probably many other days in the future, I am angry and upset. I am jealous. I am confused. I am questioning God. In a few short days it will be one year since I said goodbye to my twin boys. Jack and I finally gave them names other than “the twins.” We needed to feel close to them and give them identities because they were their own people no matter how small. I thought when this anniversary came around, I would have my rainbow baby in my arms to help take away some of the pain. I often wonder what they would have looked like and what their personalities would be. I thought Calvin would be a window into what they may have been like. I never expected my pain and loss to be magnified. I never expected to be grieving another baby. I thought they would be sending me a little bit of Heaven instead of me giving Calvin back to Heaven. So, I am going to feel my ugly feelings and that is okay.