Dear Calvin, Two Months Without You
The little gold confetti we find scattered in the house. It’s Calvin’s little way of saying hi.
My dearest Calvin,
It’s been two months without you on Earth with me, but you keep showing us you’re here. When we were getting ready for the baby shower to celebrate you, hilarity ensued trying to blow up SO MANY BALLOONS. The balloons with gold confetti inside were comical when they popped but you already know that. You somehow find a way to hide those little gold circles in the most random places. In the silverware drawer, in the front yard, out back, by the toilet, and in the playroom those little gems pop up. I know it’s your way of reminding us how much fun we had while you were still in my belly kicking away. You loved it when everyone was laughing.
A robin family made a nest under the deck. Four babies hatched and are growing so big, the same number of babies I have between Earth and Heaven. Your big sister sang to you the entire ride to McDonalds, and she got a sloth as her Happy Meal toy. She was so happy you sent her a sign that you heard her song.
I was supposed to take care of you, but you keep taking care of me. I know you’re holding my hand through this. I know you lead us to the perfect puppy when we needed something to love. He is just as mischievous and snugly as you would have been. You’ve left such an impact on so many lives when you never got the chance to live yours. I struggled so hard to bring your ashes home. It was almost as if I’ve been living in this bubble where I’ll wake up from this bad dream and you’ll be there beside me. The finality of seeing your urn terrified me. Of course, you helped us find the perfect urn. A beautiful moon, which has been such a symbol in our lives. Your big sister read you Goodnight Moon and we always told you how we love you to the moon and back. It sits on our shelf reminding us of the tender moments we had in your short time. I know it was you who gave me the nudge to bring you home at just the right time.
The beautiful wind chime dedicated to Calvin. I don’t normally enjoy them but this one makes the most beautiful tones. Everyone that hears it, compliments it.
There is a lot of love surrounding your life and your passing baby boy. Hundreds of people have read me drone on and on about how much I love and miss you. Dozens have reached out just to remind me that I am loved, and I am strong. Meals and flowers were sent by so many people and just surrounded us with love. Your Great Aunt Lynda and cousins sent us the most serene wind chimes with your name on it. Every time the wind blows it’s like you’re talking to me. Your cousins Denise and Bernadette sent a beautiful cross reminding us we have a bit of Heaven here in our home because of you. It sits on the shelves with your stuff we kept out. Even the mommies in our due date group, whose babies were born at the same time as you, have made sure to let us know what an impact you had. They saw every update and positive doctor appointment as you grew. I never told the group what happened because I never wanted to scare them as they waited for their own babies to be born, but they saw. I know you waited to tell me to bring you home until after their package arrived to help us celebrate your homecoming. Lauren and Hannah gave me a necklace of your heartbeat. Now I can wear your heartbeat right on top of mine. All you knew was our hearts beating together, and now I will always have that too.
My sweet son. Life hasn’t been easy without you. There are so many memories we should be making together. Now we have a corner in our home dedicated to you and your brothers. I have your rocking chair set up there. I won’t get to rock you like I planned, but I spend time rocking and talking to you. Sometimes Charleigh or your dad sits there too. We got back the pictures of you. The photographer did an amazing job capturing how handsome you are. Seeing the pictures reminded me of how heartbroken we all were but how we celebrated your birth through the pain. There are dark days, but we’ve also tried to have some beautiful days too. We started venturing out of the house and are trying to spend more time with our loved ones when we have the strength. Mommy and Daddy have started taking more care of their health and are trying their best to live life the way you would want us to. Your big sister misses you like crazy, but I try and help her see all the little signs that you’re here. We have even started teasing about how you’re playing pranks on us when things go missing. Oh, Calvin. The pain doesn’t go away, but I am learning how to live with the pain. Just like my heart grew to make room for my love for you, its growing so that the love and the pain can live together. We miss you.