Having a Newborn After Stillbirth: When PPA Meets PTSD
Nolan snuggled on my chest shortly after birth.
I expected having another baby would be emotional. I was prepared for the fact that they may look alike, I was prepared to use Calvin’s things for Nolan, and prepared for all the things you assume would be emotional. I expected to be anxious and protective but I didn’t expect the level of anxiety I dealt with.
Postpartum was difficult for me. It didn’t start right away. In fact, at first I thought I escaped the emotional roller coasters and was surprised by how well I was handling things. Once the initial shock of bringing home a newborn wore off, reality rolled in. The most overwhelming symptom, the symptom that made it clear just how severe my anxiety had become, was the flashbacks. I had flashbacks to the moments we had with Calvin, but I also had flashes of his body laying there instead of Nolan. Then, the flashes melded with reality and I started to have flashes of Nolan being dead. I would be filled with panic anytime I looked down at him unless I could physically feel him breathing. It was especially bad when he was sleeping because I didn’t have any noises or movements to reassure me that he was okay. His eyes would be closed and shadows would lay just right to make him appear blue. It took every ounce of strength in me to reach over and check his skin for warmth. No one around me knew how much I was struggling. They knew I was anxious and had my moments, but no way was I going to admit I kept expecting my baby to be dead every time I looked at him. They weren’t full blown panic attacks, it was just five seconds of my entire body going into fight-or-flight and then being flooded with relief. Those five seconds don’t sound like much but when they’re happening all throughout the day, its exhausting.
Perhaps its because Calvin was the last baby I held. In the year between births, I never held or interacted with anyone younger than one year old. Just hearing a baby cry in the same building was enough to put me on edge. It was easier to keep my distance because I wasn’t emotionally ready. Nolan arriving, ready or not, and being my first interaction with an infant since Calvin pushed me into processing a lot of what I went through. Hearing a baby cry vs giving birth to a silent baby, a warm baby vs a cold baby, having twenty-four seven together vs only having five hours. I think our brains naturally compare like moments and its easy for them to blend together. My heart breaking moments with Calvin were popping up and being confused with moments with my living baby. Every moment of silence or stillness was suddenly triggering instead of peaceful.
“Looking back it makes no sense, but there’s no logic to postpartum anxiety. If logic could co-exist with postpartum mental illness then postpartum mental illness would be a lot easier to recognize, admit to, and treat. ”
My sister-in-law captured this as I found a moment of peace while he slept on my chest.
Of course, to add to my anxiety, little Nolan had to have terrible reflux. When a small baby has zero control of their body and is constantly puking and choking on their vomit, it’s stressful for anyone! For Jack, myself, and everyone, it was one more terrible fear. Doctors reassured us that the odds of an infant aspirating are extremely small, but odds have never done us any favors. I tried to keep the calm and trust the doctors but it was too much. I would stay up all night in the recliner with him sleeping on my chest, then sleep in the morning when Jack took over. Naps were taken in a bassinet in the room with myself or someone else. He was 3 months old before he napped in a room by himself. Perhaps its being superstitious or pessimistic, but I had a real fear of him dying of SIDS. Although it makes no logical sense, it felt like each pregnancy was giving me more time with my baby only for them to be taken. First a late miscarriage, then full-term stillbirth, it felt like SIDS was the natural progression or the next marker on my very twisted bingo card. Adding in that all my losses were boys, it felt like I would never be allowed to keep Nolan. Looking back it makes no sense, but there’s no logic to postpartum anxiety. If logic could co-exist with postpartum mental illness then postpartum mental illness would be a lot easier to recognize, admit to, and treat.
Breastfeeding was extremely important to me. I loved my breastfeeding journey with Char and I’m very proud of the fact that her cardiologists were shocked that she breastfed and even more shocked at how chunky she got! Her surgeon took one look at her rolls and said “That must be some high octane breast milk.” Nurses loved visiting her and taking care of her because of how surprisingly squishy she was. Most heart moms are not fortunate enough for their babies to gain weight like that. The added trauma of my milk coming in after Calvin and having to dry it up made me that much more determined to breastfeed. Six years had passed since I last breastfed, and it did not come naturally back to me like I expected. I floundered like a new mom and kept needing help from the lactation consultant. It hurt BAD, and I was in tears trying to make it work. I was close to giving up as everyone kept telling me it was just because he was a thirty-six weeker. They think they’re still supposed to be in the womb and don’t take as naturally to nursing. When I brought up the pain it was brushed away as he wasn’t getting a deep latch from being so tired all the time. His tongue-tie was mentioned but treated like no big deal. Finally, a different pediatrician asked if his tongue was heart-shaped when he tried to stick it out. Yes! She immediately set me up with an ENT doctor who clipped his tongue-tie and brought healing to that part of journey. I could finally breastfeed pain free and start to enjoy that connection with him.
I don’t admit these things lightly, and I don’t want anyone to picture my time with him as a newborn as this horrible, stressful, anxiety inducing time in my life. As difficult as those moments of panic and flashbacks were, there were so many more happy moments. Most of my time was spent drunk on baby snuggles and knowing whole-heartedly I would go through the stress and anxiety all over again just to hold our baby. Everything he does is the sweetest, funniest things I’ve ever seen. Every step of watching him grow is exciting. As he moved away from the newborn stage (and my hormones leveled out) it’s gotten much easier to separate the boys in my mind. The truth of the matter is I am now experiencing an age that Calvin never reached. Nolan is becoming his own being, his own big personality. I’m building new memories and proudly experiencing new milestones. I get to see their big sister finally get to fully embrace having a sibling and build a bond between them. The trauma and grief will always be there but I’m happy to moving forward and healing from the postpartum anxiety.
We had professional newborn photos done. Here, Nolan is snuggling Calvin’s heartbeat bear as he lays on a rainbow backdrop. It was important to us to include Calvin the same way we included Charleigh.