Welcome to the best club you never want to be a part of. I know right now that sounds confusing and horrible. What you’re experiencing is something I would never wish on my worst enemy, but I want you to know that the community surrounding you is something fierce. The are supportive, loyal, and giving. The other parents of angels will be the first to rally around you, the first to help when you feel like you can’t take another breath and will be the ones to make you feel sane. When you think you have lost your mind and the only one feeling the way they are, this community is here to say, “Oh yeah, I’ve been there!”
When I heard those terrible words “There is no heartbeat” I just wanted him out. I couldn’t imagine waiting for labor and delivery. I wanted knocked out and him just out of me. I couldn’t take another second of feeling the stillness. My medical team rallied around me and talked me through every step of it. Despite COVID precautions, they were able to bring in my support system. My husband mustered his strength to make the phone calls to our loved ones while I waited for the induction. I went though contractions like everyone else does to bring their baby into the world. The contractions will first feel like cramping while your abdomen clenches tightly. The way to know they are definitely contractions is whether they are coming at regular intervals and the intervals will get smaller while the contractions get longer. Depending on how far along your pregnancy is can impact the length of your labor. For example, a 20 week gestational age won’t need to dilate to the full 10 centimeters in order to deliver. We cried, we laughed at cheesy movies on the hospital television, we cried some more, and laughed at my uncontrollable farts once the epidural kicked in. Right before ten centimeters I hit a wall. I cried and felt like I couldn’t do this. I knew delivery was close and I didn’t know how to deliver my son knowing I wouldn’t hear him cry. My nurse looked me straight in the eyes and said “You can do this. You ARE going to do this.” As it came time for labor, I knew I wanted this to be a celebration. That may sound crazy. How can such a tragedy be a celebration? Another loss parent told me her nurse explained no matter the circumstances, you’re going to meet your baby for the very first time. This was my only time I was going to have with him. My only time I’d get to hold him and welcome his body into this world before saying goodbye. This is your moment to take in every one of their features. Your moment to snuggle and hold them and appreciate them. You can bring your baby into the world. You are strong and capable.
Going Through Birth
Older Siblings
Older siblings have been excited through the pregnancy, same as parents. They have dreamed about the times they’ll have with their little sibling and will be grieving the loss. I struggled greatly about how to include my then 6-year-old. When I had my miscarriage the year before, she consistently made comments about how she wished she could have seen them. After speaking to the medical team, the grief coordinator, and my family, we knew she needed to visit with her baby brother. The decision was not made lightly. I think its important to consider the age, maturity, and mental understanding your child is capable of. Ultimately it comes down to whether seeing their baby sibling will help them process the loss or if it will confuse them more. Trust your parenting instinct. You know your child more than anyone. If you choose to introduce your child to your stillborn baby, I recommend doing it as quickly after birth as possible. This will reduce the physical changes in your baby, and they will look more like they were sleeping. We also made sure to cover any sensitive areas like skin tears to protect her from seeing them.
Physical Appearance
When your baby is born, how they look will depend a lot on how long ago they have passed. If it was recently, they will look more like a typical baby after birth. If it has been longer, they may appear more bloated. They will be warm when they’re first born but they will get colder quickly. Their coloring will be pale and appear bruised due to blood being stagnant. Over time their skin will get darker and bluer. Their skin may have blisters and will be very fragile. The skin easily slides and peels creating raw red patches. Some people like to dress their baby but for this reason, I felt more comfortable swaddling him in a blanket to reduce the number of tears his skin experienced. Their lips will become dark red. The change that frightened me the most was his skull. When babies are born their skull is not fused, this is what creates their soft spots and allows them to pass through the birth canal. With a stillborn baby, their cranial bones start to collapse and move easily. Their head will need more support when moving and a hat may help if it’s too jarring. We were not prepared for this and it was very emotional to see. Your baby’s body will also be very limp. It was difficult to reposition him on my own because of how easily his head and limbs would roll. It’s okay to ask for help if there is a special way you want to hold your baby. After five hours with him, he had deteriorated quite a bit. That’s when we knew it was time to say goodbye. We couldn’t handle seeing him deteriorate any further. If you would like more time with your baby, the use of a cuddle cot can help slow down the changes. A cuddle cot keeps a constant cold temperature. When your baby isn’t being held, placing them in the cuddle cot allows you to spend more time with them while slowing down the physical changes. Not every hospital has them, so I encourage you to ask your medical team. You should have the freedom to keep your baby with you for as long as you want. When you’re ready to say goodbye is a personal decision that no one is allowed to make for you.
“Imagine a love so strong it made saying hello and goodbye in the same day worth all the pain.”
“She was born silent into this world, but her little life spoke volumes.”
Decisions on Testing and Burial
Prior to delivery, you will be asked to make a lot of difficult decisions, especially about what testing you want performed. It’s important to know the majority of the time, a cause of death is never found. Please do not make your decisions based on the assumption that you will definitely get an answer. While each additional test helps the likelihood of finding an answer, it’s not by much. They will run a lot of blood work on the mother or gestational carrier. This will check for various disorders that may have been missed, especially ones that would impact blood clotting. An ultrasound will look for fluid levels and abnormalities in the baby, cord, or placenta. Once baby is born, they can send the placenta to pathology for testing. A tissue sample can be taken from your baby to test for genetic abnormalities that could have been missed during routine genetic testing. Lastly, you can have an autopsy performed on your baby. We personally decided against an autopsy. There is only a small percentage of the time that a cause is found with an autopsy and the procedure is very invasive. If you’re planning on an open casket, it was not recommended to have an autopsy. Whatever testing you choose, please prepare yourself for the likelihood that an answer won’t be found. The other big decision that has to be made is whether you plan on cremating or having a burial. You will have to call a funeral home (or have a loved one call) and they will need to know what you choose to do. Some may wish to have a burial so they can have a casket and the closure of seeing their baby a final time at their funeral. Others may choose cremation so they can keep their baby with them. There is no wrong answer, you need to decide what will bring you the most peace going forward. Another decision that has to be made is whether you want to have a service. If you are choosing a burial, this is a more time sensitive decision. If you choose cremation, a service can wait as long as you need. If you don’t want a service or have the ability to have a service that is another option. We never had a service, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and in the midst of COVID restrictions it still was difficult to hold them. Instead, we celebrate him every year on his birthday as “Calvin’s Day.” We go out as a family and try to do something special to make it a celebration. If you choose not to have a service, the funeral home will still provide an obituary and memorial cards. In truth, choosing what to write in the obituary and memorial cards was one of the most exhausting and emotional decisions I have made in my entire life. I had no idea what to expect or have prepared before meeting with the funeral director. Try to have a list of family members your baby is “survived by” with their maiden names and ages. You can also include family members that have passed in the obituary as well. For the memorial cards, be prepared with quotes and bible verses as well as personal information you may want included. We decided to include his birthday, weight, and height, and his physical description. It was as if his birth announcement was included with his obituary and memorial. Here is a link to his obituary if you need help as well as a picture of his memorial card:
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
Keep Everything
The hardest truth is this is the only moment you will have with your baby. Take pictures of every inch of them. Take handprints and footprints, collect a locket of hair, take hand and feet molds, remember everything you can. Your hospital may have supplies for some of these, and the rest you can have a loved one pick up for you. If you don’t get them done in the hospital, the funeral home may be able to do some for you if you provide the materials. Get anything you can because you won’t have another opportunity. I only recently discovered that while I got both his footprints, I only got one of his handprints. The littles thing like this is heartbreaking to find out. You won’t regret having too many things because your heart will always ache for more. If you had a blankie or stuffed animal saved for your baby, have someone bring it to the hospital so it can be snuggled up to your baby. It will bring comfort to you to have something to hold that once snuggled up to them. One parent suggested having two of everything. Two outfits, two blankets, two stuffed animals. That way your baby can be buried or cremated with one while you keep one for yourself. Shadow boxes are a great option to store or display your baby’s items safely. If you don’t want your items displayed, some people keep theirs in a fire proof box for safe keeping. This way they can bring out their baby’s things whenever they want to have a moment with them. Before I write for the website or whenever I am missing him extra, I sit and hold each item while I talk to him. I was gifted a set of wind chimes with his name on them. I love to sit outside with his things and talk to him. When the wind blows its like he’s talking back to me.
“When a baby is born , it’s a mother’s instinct to protect her baby. When a baby dies, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect their memory.”
